It seems like every year I pledge to do a BAFTA liveblog and every year I later come up with a reason why I can’t. This year, no such reasons were forthcoming, and I also realised I could really use the money if Richard Bacon decides he needs somebody to talk about Jennifer Lawrence’s hair on his 5 Live show tomorrow, so for the next six hours (!) I’ll be bringing you all the latest bollocks from the 66th British Academy Film Awards.
As ever, the BBC have mistakenly confused the present day for 1992, and decided to broadcast the ceremony two hours after it happens, by which point Twitter will have thoroughly stamped all known suspense out of the proceedings. But never fear: this liveblog will remain entirely spoiler-free as it guides you through Britain’s premier filmic clusterfuck with the grace of a thousand BAFTA winners past.
Let’s get started why don’t we.
5:00pm — And so the action begins. For the next two hours, the great and good of the international film scene will parade up and down a great length of red carpeting and we’ll all sit at home and stare at them. If you’re in the UK, you’ve got a number of viewing options available to you: BBC3, the jewel in Britain’s broadcasting crown, will begin their red carpet footage at 7:30pm, while the show’s headline sponsor EE have a number of 360-degree cameras already live over on their Facebook page. I’ve been staring at this bloke for half an hour now:
5:05pm — Well, that was shortlived. The cameras laid on by EE, ‘Britain’s fastest mobile network’, have gone offline:
5:11pm — Here’s a ‘vine’ of the red carpet, courtesy of Lewis Bazley. It’s nice to see that Dana Carvey’s character from The Master of Disguise is getting work as a publicist:
5:21pm — This is such an incredibly retrograde way of handling an awards ceremony. Stuff is literally happening right now and there’s no good way of knowing what that stuff is. I can see now why so many of my ‘fellow bloggers’ opted to go along and sit in the press tent, or journalist hovel, or whatever they’re calling it. At least they probably have more of a clue what’s going on than I do.
5:26pm — You know things are getting dire when you start searching Tumblr for updates. The closest thing to news I’ve managed to find is this photograph of a woman who’s currently on her way to the ceremony:
She says:
‘it’s raining and I’m wearing off white. This could all end in tears. Stay tuned
’
’5:38pm — Okay, I’ve finally discovered the BBC News channel. This is where it’s all happening. Lizo Mzimba is chatting with Hugh Jackman: a meeting of minds for the ages I’m sure you’ll agree. 24601 has got quite a beard going on as well:
5:47pm — Jennifer Lawrence is talking about how she trained for the dancing scenes in Silver Lining Playbook, but failing to give her metronome earrings the credit they deserve:
5:49pm — Uh oh. My Mark Kermode allergy is playing up again: “I think there’s no doubt that Daniel Day-Lewis is not just a shoo-in… but a whole boot-in!” Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
5:51pm — I have confirmation: this is actually happening…
5:58pm — With the red carpet beginning to get a little monotonous, it’s time for my signature Six O’Clock Anecdote. Here it is: I was on the Radio 2 Arts Show the other day with Harvey Weinstein. I shook his hand. He’s a large man.
6:02pm — Oh shit. Lizo just asked Tom Hooper if he minded not being nominated for Best Director.
6:05pm — Mark Kermode is referring to Juno Temple in the third person whilst talking to her. I may have to start drinking earlier than usual this year.
6:09pm — The news ticker at the bottom of the BBC News Channel is making a mockery of Ben Affleck’s seriousface discussion of Argo: ”Reports from India say at least 10 people have died and dozens more were injured after a stampede broke out at a train station in the Northern Indian town where millions of devout Hindus are gathered for a religious festival.”
Still, those Alan Arkin scenes were pretty funny. Right?
6:19pm — I’m going to make some tea.
6:24pm — Why has Mirren got pink hair?
6:34pm — I’ve decided to take some time out and do some online grocery shopping. I’ve just asked Facebook which service is the best and they’ve collectively chosen Ocado:
6:39pm — Samuel L. Jackson is dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge.
6:47pm — As if The Guardian’s BAFTA liveblog didn’t already have a thousand times more readers than this one, they’re now badgering my audience into changing allegiance on Twitter:
6:51pm — Thanks Colin!
6:58pm — While the rest of the world waits patiently for BBC3′s after-the-fact red carpet coverage, I’m racing through my Ocado registration. I’ve even provided some helpful ‘instructions’ for the delivery guy:
7:12pm — This is by no means enough wine to last me the next four hours:
Is there any chance my Ocado order will arrive before 9pm tonight?
7:19pm — And now… the point in the evening where everything starts to get a bit ridiculous. The first award of the night — Outstanding British Film — has just been presented by Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck, and of course Twitter, ever the paragon of discretion, has the ruined the fuck out of that particular surprise.
7:26pm — Believe it or not, the BAFTA awards were actually the birthplace of this very blog. Back in 2008, when I started Ultra Culture as a ‘cultural review podcast’ (bleurgh), the very first thing we covered was that year’s BAFTA red carpet. And when I say ‘covered’, I don’t mean we got press access. We went down at 6am and queued with the maniacs for 12hrs+ just to get into that paddock that all the celebrities ignore anyway. It was a fun day. Here’s a very intimate photograph of Viggo Mortensen that either Tash O’Byrne or Katy Dillon managed to snap.
7:38pm — Whatever else happens tonight, at least I’ll be getting some good impressions on that enormous fuck-off Mama banner at the top of the site.
7:40pm — BBC3′s red carpet coverage has begun, with a montage of last year’s ceremony. Presumably to remind us that THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THE BAFTAS HAVE HAPPENED. Bilbo’s doing the face:
7:45pm — I have just drunk the last of my wine.
7:51pm — If anything, Kevin Spacey seems like even more of a cunt when viewed from a distance of ten years:
7:57pm — BRB…
8:07pm — Came back from the shops to find Nic Cage riding a snowmobile. Assumed it must be a bit of Zero Dark Thirty I’d forgotten about, but as it turns out BBC3 have given up on the Oscars and started showing National Treasure.
8:13pm — Switched over to BBC1 in anticipation of the ceremony. Now I’m watching that midwife programme everybody talks about.
8:15pm — Sister Evangeline won’t tell Ruby what’s wrong with her baby!!!
8:20pm — Just reading through all the winners on Twitter in case I decide to slack the ceremony off and go to bed. This really is the most exciting way to follow a major awards night.
8:23pm — Doesn’t this midwife look a bit like Anne Hathaway?
Speaking of which, they’ve announced the winner of the Best Supporting Actress award. The winner is either Anne Hathaway or one of the other four women nominated. You can find out which later on tonight, or, you know, now.
8:30pm — I’m three and a half hours into this sorry affair and not coping very well with criticism…
8:35pm — I don’t know why, but I’ve got this crrrrrrrazy feeling that something hilariously unfortunate is going to happen to Eddie Redmayne during tonight’s ceremony. Imagine if I turned out to be right! Wouldn’t that be a turn up for the books!?!?!
!
?!
?!?!
8:40pm — Alright, this is getting silly. Catch you in twenty.
9:00pm — And we’re off. Did I mention there’s actually some stuff I’m rooting for this evening? Wins for Paranorman, Joaquin Phoenix and Michael Haneke would be greatly appreciated. Of course, we already know what’s won, and none of those things have, but there you go.
9:01pm — Claudia Winkleman’s voice signals the start of the 66th British Academy Film Awards. I was on her radio show last week and got her to say my name in the tone she normally reserves for the words “Best Actor… Daniel Day-Lewis”. It was a thrill.
9:05pm — Stephen Fry’s opening monologue is like a big hug from a simpler time. All the jokes are lovely and soft and I just want to wrap up inside them and have a nap.
9:11pm — This is more than Joaquin Phoenix has ever smiled in his life:
9:12pm — I don’t quite understand how Paloma Faith got this gig. Is she still a thing? Harvey Weinstein must be sitting somewhere in the audience utterly mystified. Her last single didn’t even break the Top 50…
9:23pm — Well wouldn’t you know it, I was right. Eddie Redmayne is — in the words of Sally Field — ‘puking his guts out back there’. And according to Peter Bradshaw, he’s caused quite a scene:
9:27pm — Stephen Fry just made an R-Pattz joke. Have the BBC broadcast 2009′s BAFTA ceremony by accident?
9:34pm — Christoph Waltz is really quite adorable. Just look at his teary little Austrian face.
9:40pm — It’s that time again: ANECDOTE TIME. Here it comes: last month, I didn’t give an award to Bart Layton at the London Critics’ Circle Awards. Classic, classic stuff.
9:46pm — Christ, how did we ever make it through awards ceremonies before Vine?
9:52pm — Say what you like about Les Misérables…
Actually, you know what? Don’t. Hathaway 4EVA.
10:03pm — I’m now bored and drunk enough to basically just be filling this liveblog with name drops. I met Tessa Ross a couple of years ago at a party for Shame. I was drastically underdressed, having only been invited about an hour before the party started, and was therefore wearing only a sweaty brown T-shirt and some horribly torn jeans. She was very nice nonetheless.
That said, how dare she not thank me in her speech, the bloody ingrate.
10:08pm — Jeez, that was all a bit ‘inside baseball’, wasn’t it? Here’s a photograph of Samuel L. Jackson in his Scrooge hat:
10:16pm — Holy shit somebody’s actually being funny.
10:21pm — Can you tell from the look on Stephen Fry’s face how you’re meant to be feeling about this ‘In Memoriam’ segment?
10:29pm — Getting a bit weepy over Les Misérables. I’ve turned the BBC’s sound off and am just listening to I Dreamed a Dream at deafening volume.
10:35pm — Don’t get me wrong: I like Ben Affleck. A lot. I think he’s a brilliant actor and an alright director. BUT HE WAS UP AGAINST MICHAEL HANEKE AND QUENTIN TARANTINO. LET’S NOT BE SILLY, BAFTA.
10.39pm — From the ridiculous to the sublime: how incredible is it that Emmanuelle Riva can win a Best Actress BAFTA in the same year that Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, Jessica Lawrence and Jennifer Chastain are nominated? Occasionally, justice does win out.
10:45pm — Can you imagine the state of Daniel Day Lewis’s mantlepiece?
10:48pm — Well, there we have it folks. Argo takes home the Best Film Bafta, all but guaranteeing it the Best Picture Oscar. If you haven’t seen the film yet… you know, don’t worry.
10:55pm — Alright, I’m going to bed.